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Aug. 8th, 2010

skinny person

i have moved!

not really, but kinda.
i have a tumblr now.

http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/

follow my epic journey of life... and by life... i mean... well... idk haha. but. follow me, i am struggling with changing my life. so this thing is supposed to help i think.


so again that's 1-800
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/
http://jenborules.tumblr.com/

seriously, don't leave stupid shit on there if you do follow me though. this is a legitimate blog. if you do something f-ing stupid i will just delete it. i would love some inspiration and opinions but that's it. no douchery. the end.

May. 22nd, 2010

skinny person

i come to you in pieces.

paws passed away yesterday. the hardest part is just being downstairs alone right now... i haven't been alone in the family room like this since elementary school. it's the times like these that are the hardest to get through. when i look out the glass door waiting to see his stinky piggy face ready to come inside. when i look at the couch and don't see him running in his sleep. when i don't hear his occasional sleepy sigh from the other side of the room. when i have no one to feed cookies to, or to pick up my taco meat i spilled on the floor. no one to give stray stuffed animals to. just an empty cage with a chewed up blanket. a stuffed monkey still in the backyard. a half-empty tin of dog food. and a hurting heart filled with good memories. i miss that dog more than anything else in the world right now. i didn't even say goodbye when i left yesterday. i didn't pet him and tell him i loved him and to be a good boy. i didn't give him an extra treat just because. i filled up his water bowl extra full because it was so hot out. his waterbowl is still half full on the porch. i can't touch any of it. i can't look in that area without crying. i had a dream last night that i got to see him and pet him. tell him that i loved him.

sometimes it's easier to just try and forget, because thinking about it makes me miss him so much. i can't think about him and not cry. my heart hasn't hurt this much in a very long time. and right now i just don't see how it's going to ever get any better. i don't want to forget him and everything he meant to me. i don't want to move on and get another dog and feel like i am replacing him. that he was an object here for my amusement and can be easily replaced. i would give anything just to see him one more time. but i know i can't. i don't want my parents to know i'm so upset. because i know eventually they will just tell me that i have to move on, that he was just a dog. but he wasn't just any dog. he was my dog, my first dog. the stinkiest happy dog on porter road.

marco has been looking for him all night. it just makes me want to cry more. during the day it's easier to just occupy myself with everything so i don't stop to think about it. but it's practically impossible to ignore this feeling when i'm downstairs alone. but i know that god only let's these things happen to people he knows can handle them. i know i will make it through this, but right now it is just very hard. may has not been a very good month... but i am hoping it will start to turn around.

rip paws, my almost 10 year old stinky piggy dog, that chewed my blankets and always gave me kisses when i was crying. i know dogs don't have souls, but i know paws is in doggy heaven eating popcorn and watching his favorite show catdog. barking at air and wind and whatever else he can. sleeping on the couches and carrying around his baby. sitting pretty and being the best damn dog in the entire world.

Apr. 29th, 2010

skinny person

baby i'm a million.

well, lj has once again died, but i am once again making it my mission to bring it back! plus i love reading these things. i know in our day to day lives it's really difficult to post a lot, but i think it really helps us keep up with each others lives and what's REALLY going on. not just facebook stalking. because we talk about what's going on in our lives but also how we feel about it. idk perhaps it's just me trying to hold on to things that are meant to let go...

well i finished up my sophomore year of college yesterday! so exciting to think i'm halfway to my first college degree! actually my academic advisor said that if i keep taking 18 credits i may be able to graduate a semester early! wow! that would be awesome. i could get a head start on the job market and have a little bit of time off from school before it was time to hit the books for grad school!

i'm just not sure where i want to go to grad school. i've narrowed it down to MSU or CMU. both schools have some great perks. both could provide some great career opportunities for me down the road. it really comes down to to what i want to do for the rest of my life. if i lean more towards news and television then CMU is the place for me, but if i'm looking for PR, HR, advertising, or theory then MSU is the place for me. ahhh. i'm really running out of time to decide. i need to start applying to places now! yikes. i am a little behind schedule. but i have all summer to worry about that.

i got a job at redwood! well dan got me a job haha. so i'm pretty excited about that. i also applied for some office job in flint that would give me 40+ hours a week. which would be great because i need MONEY! i have to pay for my books in these upcoming school years. though i'm grateful that that's all my parents are making me pay for! but i also want to buy a macbook so i would like to save up for that too! i love my laptop but it's just causing me sooo many problems and i've never seen anyone with a mac have problems. but that's more money!

i am still tossing around winterguard. i can't imagine my life without performing, but with colton not coming back and renee not coming back to staff i am carpool less. we won't be world class, plus i have marched a, open, and world class. if i was to just teach would that be so horrible? i am going to be a junior in college. i need to start planning for the rest of my life. i love colorguard and it will always be a part of my life, but perhaps it is time for me to transistion to teaching? but i'm only 19! i have 3 seasons left! erggh decisions. i guess for now i am just playing it by ear. i love to perform and i love color guard but.... it can't always be my whole life, it's not my major and i have to grow up eventually. who knows. it's always on my mind. i probably won't be able to march dci ever. this makes me SO sad, but. i just can't afford it cost wise and time wise. it breaks my heart, but i am coing to terms with it now. i just just love guard so much. ugh.

i scraped by this semester grade-wise. i HAVE to start doing better! this is not acceptable. i always say that at the beginning of the semester though and then three weeks in it's like nope i'm over it. i have to stay motivated! i will try harder (the last, first time!)

i am really really excited to be teaching carman again, almost all of my kids came back and they all want to work hard. they added 3 bands into flight 1, and are now taking 11 bands to finals - making our chances harder, but that's not turning the kids away. they're so dedicated to producing something great as a team and that's all an instructor can ask for! i'm really happy! our first rehearsal is saturday and i have 13 signed up! i'm hoping i can rope in some more kids!!! the hardest thing is that you have to be in band to be in guard at carman so that really limits numbers, but i completely understand benjy's reasoning for this rule because it's not like GB where it's a class and you have to show up and it's easy to find you because you're always in the band room. these kids all have lives outside of band, although there are of course the few and faithful band geeks (:

i really miss choir. oh i miss it so much. i mean band is whatever, but i just ugh. want to sing so badly again! i really want to do NCC but in fall i have marching band and in winter i can't do any of the concerts because of winterguard. another reason i considered at least just taking a season off from guard...

haha someone(s) is (are) asking me a couple not so nice questions on formspring. of course this is to be expected because it's the internet, but i guess they kind of came out of nowhere and caught me by surprise. i know i'm by no means "fat" but i'm already self-consicious about my weight after interplay and dance is over, but i also know this is my fault for not going outside and just being active. but it's hard to make up for running around all weekend to just... not. i know it's just excuses, and once mike gets home he's going to help me train for the crim, so i'm pretty excited for that. and the other question they asked me about jade what the eff hahaha. so dumb. that was like a year ago. clearly all three members of the situation seem happier due to the changes in our lives so i think it all worked out for the best? or am i wrong? if i am let me know. haha i felt like my freshman year all over again getting those stupid questions, but of course i'm going to answer them because i'm not going to back down to what is most likely some immature underclassmen from grand blanc high school. news flash - i've already been through it all sweeties, i've dealt with some shitty drama and lived to tell the stories. i'm a college sophomore with a major in COMMUNICATIONS. who's going to win this, really? do you REALLY want to start this? I don't want to be dragged down to your level, but if I am, I will beat you, and leave you saudy (or is it saud, or saudee) face. hahahahaha. sorry.

alex and i are great as always! i never could have pictured myself so happy in a relationship! he really is too good to me! but you've heard all this mushy stuff before! tomorrow is his quartet recital, so i'm really excited to hear him play again! it's always great when someone shares their passion with you. it's like getting a look of what's really inside their heart. haha corny. sorry! well this has been a sufficient first rebirth of lj post. more later i am sure!

Mar. 1st, 2010

propose

couldn't drag me a way

spring break is finally here! much needed, however, after a day of doing nothing at home i remember why my schedule is always so jam-packed. don't get me wrong i LOVE not having class, but sitting at home because everyone is gone is lame. and i have stupid practice during the week so it's not like i can just go visit people. extra lame! but i'll take my no classes i suppose. i have to do an annotated bibliography for com and finish up my lab for science. oh and do a blog for journalism. but that won't take an awful long time. i could go read, but i'm not in like a reading mood. maybe later on tonight or this week. dunno. feel like going out and going shopping! alas, no money to shop with. i really want to get a dermal anchor on my back or my snug pierced! but no money for that either. extra lame! i'm so getting two dermal anchors on my back when i get the money for it this summer. it must be done!

the power regional was great! we just rehearsed and performed like a different team. i think the season is really clicking for us right now. hopefully we'll continue to push this weekend before the indy power regional the weekend after this. i love ip! i love performing. just the feeling is so awesome. we got 4th too! which is great. we went up like 11 points in a week. how awesome!? scores don't matter, but still that's still awesome. i got to do retreat again at the regional which was fun because i did it at dayton last year too!

hmm. on a piercing kick haha. definitely want a lot. and my tattoo. errrghh. curse living with my parents still! well i guess i'm not taking classes this summer. kinda sucks but whatever i don't really want to argue with my mom over it. so hopefully i can get a day job and a night job or a full time job somewhere. or a night job and an internship. any of those combinations would be awesome. haha. i just want money and/or connections. just a couple more weeks of ip and then i can get a job! yeah. i ate sooo many shark fruit snacks today. i kept getting crappy colors but they're so damn yummy. erggh.

i wanna get marrrrried and plan my wedding. haha. i'm like a wedding fanatic lol. it will be awesome.

also wanna choreograph a dance but have no group to teach/give it to. so kinda lame because it's like i do it all for nothing, but i'll do it anyways in hopes that one day i will get to teach it to a group. haha. hmmm.. my wii fit told me i was fat again today. ughh. i hate that thing lol. oh well. maybe i'll practice pointe tonight. ok bye for now.

Jan. 31st, 2010

propose

i'll wear out the words

this weekend was not exactly the greatest for me. friday i got called out a million times during across the floors on flag. and then saturday i had a less than great show. i just feel stupid dropping on flag... people are catching fucking sabre sixes while diving into the floor and i can't catch a 6ft pole... but hopefully i'll do better at the regional this weekend... there's no hopefully i just have to practice more. but when do i have time to practice? this is the exact reason i didn't audition for weapon. i guess sometimes i just feel like i'm not good enough for this team. then sunday was just hard because i kept messing up on stupid things i never used to mess up on. and they changed like the entire end of the show the last three hours of rehearsal so that was kind of frustrating. i know it is to make the show better but i mean you can't help but be frustrated at it ya know.

then i come home and things just aren't any less frustrating here. school takes a lot out of me, my classes are all reading and lecture and if i dont' do well on the exams i do awful in the class because we don't have quizzes and assignments just exams...

dance sucks because i mean let's face it who doesn't like being on top? i was in ballet I and now i'm not anymore in ballet II and it's just frustrating. some of hte things the dancers that have had training on for years i do just as well. i understand that some things i still need to work on but why can't i do the things that i am already good at? just because you place me in the middle barre doesn't mean i can only do certain exercises... and repertoire is frustrating because i don't do anything. it's like we work on the one dance i'm in so far and then it's the dance with all the girls who danced in fyb/fia forever...

sdo is not as fun as hoped. i keep getting put in crappy spots because i wasn't in sdo last year... when i am clearly better than half the dancers that were in it last year... it's just stupid. i know the choreography better than over half the people in both wednesday dances. and in the group choreography piece emma never takes my ideas EVER. when i've put some pretty good ideas out there... just because it's not your vision doesn't mean it's not a good idea to add in... and i just plain old hate the first dance we do on monday's. it's to some stupid song by muse. dumb dumb dumb. quite frankly i am sick of SUCKING in things i'm normally good at and then just assumed that i suck at things i'm GOOD at... it's just frustrating when it comes from every aspect of my involvement of the performing arts...

i'm tired of being treated like i'm still 17 years old in this house. i am so ready to get out of here it's insane. i love my parents and living it home is wayyy more cost-efficient but there's only so much one can take from their parents with 18 credits and full time extra-cirricular activities... the tolerance is just becoming few and far inbetween...

i know i'm just exhausted right now, but i feel like it's not getting better anytime soon? i don't get a break to just go home and relax for a day. there's ALWAYS something to do. always. my toe is not getting any better and that makes everything like 90 times worse. i just need a break... i'm looking forward to going to gvsu for a little bit. at least i get a litte break from everything life related... i know my life isn't any worse than anyone else's i just needed to get it all out and bitch for a while... my brain is just kind of fried from life...


sometimes you just need a good cry, some sappy music, and a hug.

Jan. 25th, 2010

skinny person

we takin' over

soooooo alex is a lameo and won't post again so i am posting for his entertainment. ams pulling an all-nighter tonight to get some mad reading done, even though i still haven't even started yet lmao. friday practice was cancelled two weeks from now which means i am going to gvsu's presidential ball! i am sooooo excited to see liz andrea and stephan again. i miss them lots! gonna wear my sophomore hc dress. the black one with the bow (lol liz - "NO MORE LITTLE BLACK DRESSES..."

i don't really have a whole lot to write about. i want to march so badly over the summer, but i know i for sure can't march this summer, but i have to do it before i age out. i know i will regret it if i don't! hopefully next summer. maybe do lsm this summer. we'll see. i am excited for some non-sick camping with the whole family this summer! have lots to make up for from last summer! many shennanigans and skip-bo-ing to be had!

school is pretty great. it's a lot of reading having 18 credits but definitely not too much. i love taking dance every day of the week. and pointe is fucking LOVE. it hurts like a bitch but i love love love it. dance is so amazing. almost as amazing as guard. ipw is awesome. practices are long and hard (reminds me of my first time... XD) but so worth it at the show. i love making renee cry everytime she watches us. i feel so happy that i make her so proud. that is probably one of the best things about ip. first show with uniforms this weekend i am very excited! they are GORGEOUS but hott as fuck to wear those damn hoods haha. (almost as bad as electronica year... except oh wait I AM PRETTY IN THIS SHOW.) karen mae definitely respects what i have to say at rehearsal even though she is flag captain which means a lot to me, she doesn't just always assume she's right like other people would. i try to step up as much as possible in hopes that maybe one day i could get captain. that would be awesome!

idk i toss the idea of not marching around all the time, i really am on the fence. i just can't imagine my life without it. i love it so much. even through the awful times. i look at past members who are in tears at every show because they want to be on the floor with us, and i know, i KNOW that would be me. i would regret every second of it. sometimes i just have to make sacrifices. i am pretty positive i will be doing winterguard until the just won't let me come back anymore haha.

ummm. life is just good. i mean yeah parts suck but overall life is good. alex has me in love with dmb now haha. sooo good! i am actually listening to beach ball now :) i want to get CRUNK. i have not been since my bday party in september. tres sad. this must change quickly! haha. like i just want to be 21 so i can go to the bar and have a fun night. soon enough!

thought about maybe living on campus next year. but would most likely make things more difficult with teaching and whatnot, but we'll see. just an idea i threw out there for myself today. so most likely going to msu for grad school, they have a pre-phD track, which i am most likely going to do. i really want to be a college prof, so i'm hoping i get accepted into their program there. would be awesome. otherwise i would go to central, but they are more of a media based comm program which i love mass media waaaay more, but i really want to teach comm theory in college. and all comm classes really. i effing love communications. such a good major for me. i thought about minoring in dance but i know my parents wouldn't support it. but it's right now the other field i have the most credits in and i'm required to have a minor to graduate. a minor doesn't even matter anyways. haha. but we'll see on that as well.

ummmmmmmmmm what else. i really should be doing my homework but i don't want to! i am just rocking out to itunes. also my mom is sleeping behind me so i don't want to wake her up by turning the lights on (lol excuse.) hmmmmmmmmm. i want to go out this week! meh, oh well.

ummmm me and alex are the bomb :) it's definitely the best relationship i've ever had. i love him a lot! cheesy cheesy mushy mushy. i just feel so comfortable around him, and i know i can trust him. i like spending time with him and my family loves him. he's just a great guy overall and i'm pretty lucky to have him in my life in general.

i need a new phone cover again! my pink zebra one is JANK and broken. sadness. hmm this is all. good day!

Jan. 20th, 2010

skinny person

if we're going nowhere

i should be doing homework as usual but my brain just isn't feeling it right now. i also have a quiz at four in science and i don't really feel like studying for that. overall these past two weeks i have just been bad about what i'm eating/what i'm doing. i have lost all my motivation and have already fallen behind in a lot of my classes. i don't know what happened between high school and now that made my motivation fall through. i used to be a really motivated person. like yeah i would procrastinate, but i would always get it done. now i just procrastinate and then don't do it. like this is not okay. college is so important and i am just slacking off. i am paying thousands of dollars to be lazy. it's really hard i think a lot of the reason is because i don't have any study partners anymore. before i could go hang out with people and study/watch tv at the same time. so we could hang out but each of us could get some work done. now i don't have that anymore and i know that it's just an excuse but i really have a hard time studying on my own. if i have someone there that i have to motivate and they motivate me back it works really well and i get a lot of work done. i know i know i am just making excuses for myself and all that i can do is change my ways. i just have to do it. there's no kind of. i just need to change. but why is changing so hard? why did i let myself get to this point? there's no sense in wondering if i had gone away for college because that would be a completely different experience. i really kind of want to be an ra, but i can't because of color guard. :/ idk. i just have lots on my mind i guess.

with my schedule now the earliest i am home on a weekday is 930pm and on the weekends i am gone at interplay so i don't get to see my family. i feel especially bad for my dad because now he is just home by himself every day until my mom gets home. i feel like the decisions i have made up in my life to this point have all been very selfish. everything i do is for me me me. i never do anything for anyone else, especially my family. it upsets me to look at my life, because it is nothing but a shallow waste. living in the moment can be fun, but sometimes you have to think about the future and do things you don't want to do.

there is a lot of re-thinking that needs to me done in my life, and i have a lot of growing up that i need to do. i just feel so immature. it's not a feeling though, i know i really am immature. i need to take responsibillity for the important things in my life. it can't all just be fun and games as hard as i try for it to be.

well i kind of lost my blogging-drive for now. more to come later i'm sure...

Jan. 13th, 2010

imagination

you must have worked as one together

my shoulders are KILLING me. haha. like. if i had money...let me tell you i would be getting a massage so freaking fast... ugh. dancing 4 days a week and color guard 4 days a week is going to kill me. well as long as i stop eating fast food it will actually make me look good so i'm okay with the suffering. lmao!

so alex has me listening to dmb non-stop haha. it's like all i've been playing on my ipod/car all aweek. idk it's different than what i normally listen to, but i really like it. haha yay! so alex - next time on aim you'll have to send me some more songs! oh also "na na na na everyday!" hahahahhaha. you're welcome!

so i am sitting in starbucks at 6:43 in the morning... i have been here about an hour FML. which leads to last night. dan was in michigan for the day but i am super busy all day everyday. so i said let's get coffee after colorguard rehearsal! he says, let's go to crapitol at 1130. of course my parents aren't going to go for that, so he says just spend hte night. mind you i have at least 6 chapters of reading to do. finally i cave because it's my new years resolution to not be lame. my mom says okay so i pack and whatever and we go to craptiol. it was a good time. we did some talking, catching up, planning, reminiscing etc. it was really nice. i feel the night should have ended here lmao. somehow we got on the idea of getting crunk so we pool our money together and get some bacardi rum. yum! well dan said he wanted to get drunk at wal-mart (oh, dan.) and i told him i didn't want to get mip-ed so i would dd at wal-mart, then we would go back to his parents and get drunk bc they didn't care. well we went to wal-mart. dan was belligerent and was probably going to get the cops called on him by someone lol! so sean i dragged his drunk ass out of wal-mart and head back to his parents. then he says he wants to go see spencer from redwood and that he told him to come over and party and he didn't want to wake his parents (Dan's parents) so we go ok why not. (Mind you i had already driven all the way to dan's parents by this point and spencer lives over by me.) Anyways we get to spencers and it's just him and his roommate watching harold and kumar guantanamo bay (love that freaking movie) and they had no intentions of getting drunk, and really didn't want dan there. so we stayed there for about an hour and sean kept getting me to try and drink but i wasn't going to drink unless i knew we were staying you know? so we ended up leaving (like i figured we would) and went back to dan's parents. oh did i mention dan bought weed while we were there? that stuff is not for me, so i told him i wasn't going to hang around while he was smoking it. So I went inside, preparing for getting crunk. Sean comes in because he didn't want to smoke after drinking a lot. Then dan comes in, high and drunk. Really loud (mind you his parents are sleeping) and is like all over me and sean. Sean is drunk and not having it, I am sober, and not having it. So I'm ready to start drinking like we had planned and Dan goes (mind you this is like...10 minutes after we got home) I'm going to bed. I was like WTF DAN! I have all this homework and you get your ass drunk and high and then just go to bed. So I'm like ok whatevs, he goes to bed and it's just Sean and I. He still wants me to drink, but I didn't find a purpose in wasting alcohol just to sit there and watch tv. So we stayed up and talked about a lot of things until about 330. Sean went home after that and I took a nap until 530, when Dan woke up because he had to leave then. I couldn't go home this early because my mom is still sleeping, so I went to starbuck's. Got a latte, did my homework for my first class (yeah boi!) and now I'm just killing some time before I go home.

That was my night. Today is going to be a long day. I was kind of peeved at first about the whole thing but I'm over it now. I had a good time really talking with Sean about stuff and kind of catching up like old times. And drunk danny is fun for a little bit so that was amusing.

On a lighter note I auditioned for the Student Dance Organization all 4 dances and I made all four! Colton auditioned for 3 and made all 3 so I'm really excited for that! I love dancing it's so much fun! And a way mor fun workout than just running. So yay! With Ballet II and Repertory on Tuesday/Thursday I will be dancing Monday-Thursday! Plus IPW on weekends of course. SO yay!

Field day this saturday! I'm super excited to put the show on the floor! Yes. I love performing :) and short rehearsals! Lol. well this is enough blogging for now- peace!

Jan. 7th, 2010

skinny person

you make me wanna crash and burn

i am trying to blog more often in an attempt to keep my thoughts focused and my mind at ease. i think. haha. well school started today and i am happy once again. of course i have oodles of reading and notes to take but that's part of going to school so whatever! i am more excited for tomorrow because my tuesdays and thursdays are going to rock! per ususal. found out that i am one social science credit short from being done with my gen eds after this semester though. so i'm going to have to take another class. but i am thinking of minoring in sociology. i don't think i can really do anything with it, but my mom won't let me minor in social work and i don't want to minor in poli sci or spanish. so i just have to keep looking i guess. other than that school is going really well i only have 4 more classes to take after this semester before i'm done with the actual communications part of my major. then i just have to get filler credits and i can graduate! GLEE! i'm glad that part of my life is going well.

the doctor cleared me for interplay and driving. he said everything i had been saying all along that i am healthy and i should continue with guard because it's keeping me healthy. they think i have this disorder where my blood pressue drops when i get really hot and i faint. idk i don't think i have that either personally, but whatever i only have one more test to get done. THEN! i am going to get crunk somewhere with someone. i don't know where or with who but i MUST! i missed out on new year's eve i will not miss out again!

i need to be job hunting, that is what i am going to dedicate next week to. next weekend is also field day at harper woods! which i am excited for. i hope this semester is a good one. i have a good feeling about it, but then again i had good feelings about all the other semesters too and they kind of stunk. i have to get a 4.0 or as close as possible this semester though. no fooling

i have so many clothes. like i wear them all in cycles so i don't want to get rid of them you know? i need like... buckets or something to put them in. being in my room is so cramped because i have so much shit. i just need a day and some boxes to get it together so my room can be relaxing again. right now it's just really crowded and hectic.

i toss guard back and forth about next year. i LOVE performing. more than anything, but. idk if i want to march winterguard again. like, i do. but i don't know if i have the will power in me. but i feel like i do. i don't know, i'm not making any decisions now of course, but i am tossing the idea around so i can make sure i make the right decision. it's rough. i love teaching and i'd like to have more time to do that in the winter as well. i don't know. plus it's so much money that could be put elsewhere like books or a new laptop. who knows.

well i think this is a good enough blog for now.

Jan. 5th, 2010

skinny person

do you remember?

oh how i have changed. i cannot begin to name the ways in which i have changed over the past two years. who knows if it is permanent or not. life just simply is not the same anymore. some parts i am okay with and others i am not. i am so passive though, i don't put forth effort into hardly anything i do. i don't even put effort into color guard anymore... sometimes i have to question myself. what is the point in being alive if i am not going to put forth effort into anything? like don't worry i'm not like "omg i need to go die i am a waste of space." but really. just sitting here has brought up some serious realization.

what am i doing with myself?

this is not a healthy life to live. there is a difference between living day to day in the moment and just plain old living day to day. what's the point of having a day you don't put any effort into? i mean you might as well have not even gotten out of bed if you weren't going to put any effort into anything. i don't know. i guess that's kind of extreme. i'm just confusing myself. all i know is that i need to take better care of myself as a person. not like "oh i need to do more for myself," but i need to just live a better life. because the one i am living right now is just not cutting it for me. my daily routines are not that of a happy person. i don't know. i should be doing more things enjoying myself and laughing more often. i'm so pessimistic and questioning now that i can't just ever accept and enjoy something. i always want something else, i'm never just satisfied with what is.

it always seems so easy at night though. always saying tomorrow... when will tomorrow finally come around? i know the answer seems so simple, but when will i motivate myself to become the better person i want to be? what is today but yesterday's tomorrow... so true. i have no one to blame but myself and i just plain old need to work harder. all this woe is me stuff has got to go. it's getting me no where but stressed and depressed. fuck that! haha.

idk. i need a re-psych! i need the cool fun jenny. not the emo grandma jenny. not the jenny that needs 12 hours of sleep to function. the awesome one that needed like a power nap and some no-doz to get her through a day of school, guard, AND running the roads with friends. the jenny that went still drunk to her speech final, the jenny that managed to see everyone do everything and still have time to relax. these are supposed to be the best years of my life and i am being a GRANDMA. hellURRRR. i need to get it together. maybe that will be added to my resolution list. haha. it's steadily growing.

so far it is!

-insert exciting music-

JENNY'S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010! (bitchesss.)
1. priortize a little better (ie: school) *side bar - i have to make an exception for school, my gpa sort of sucks and i need some more scholarships!

2. get back into shape (fluffy jenny isn't cutting it for me anymore...)

3. no more grandma jenny (friends, family, parties, school, and guard all in one.)

am i like, having a mid-life crisis at the age of 19? haha.

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